Torches, pitchforks do help drop the weight

Back on June 21, the city council appointed former Portland Mayor Peter O’Donnell to the obesity task force. Snoozeville news, or so I thought at the time.

On looking back at the issue with what appears to be a little more sobriety than I had at the time, a funny thought struck old Captain Obvious. I hadn’t seen that job posted anywhere on the city website.
Follow the timeline, if you can. The city received a $1.4 million stimulus grant back in March, for the sole and noble purpose of fighting obesity. In June, the city appoints a former mayor to the post, a $42,000 a year position. Peter will get to lead us in redefining our marshmellow-ness, and hopefully get us to finally climb those ropes in gym class.
Except, we all know that it isn’t going to work out like that. This is a policy position, where Mr. O’Donnell will work tirelessly to promote a pet project of his, namely getting restaurants throughout the state to do something they just don’t want to do. He is promoting fast food labeling laws that will promote the idea that if junior (or his parents) only knew how bad they were, he wouldn’t want to eat those fries. Good luck with that.

Additionally, O’Donnell would like to see local restaurants comply with some of those same proposed laws, but on a “voluntary” basis. Volunteering for how long? Until those same voluntary labels become law? Somewhere off in the distance, I can smell the fast-warming tar and see the mound of feathers growing at the Maine Restaurant Association headquarters.

Back in June, O’Donnell, the Mayor, and nine other local government figures went on a week-long junket to D.C., for the purpose of learning how to bring these programs into fruition. I’d likely be the least likely person to engage in healthy lifestyle choices, unless doggedly pursued by someone toting a whip, a chair, and a firearm. Hopefully, that junket trip taught them the tools they would need to drag characters like myself into line.

Bruce Hyman, who worked on trail projects for the city, also made the shift in jobs. Now, he will be advising the city on changes to transportation policy to encourage more bike riding and walking. For a city that annually climbs into hibernation mode, he’ll have a hard time finding things other than offering free beer to get people out of their houses come November.

Since nothing short of seeing both of these guys out on the streets of Portland leading group runs all day is going to satisfy my inner cruel taxpayer, I thought I’d pass along a few suggestions that might help us all get our money’s worth out of these two.

First, there is the library issue. There are those of us in Portland who, on visiting the main branch of the public library, used to hop on the scale there. In all the hubbub of remodeling, the library kind of decided to move it off the main floor and into the staff rooms. Put it back. The occasional muttered epithet in public is a small price to pay, and is somehow both less depressing and more “official” than the bathroom scale.

Second, go out to the yard and find three bricks, and gather the family together. Everyone in the house has to lose 10 pounds in two months (five for those under 12,) or the XBOX 360 gets a brick. (Substitute whatever gaming platform your household worships.)

Two months after that, it’s the cell phone's turn. Finally, just in time for Christmas, the TV gets a brick. Everyone should own three bricks just for that purpose.

Last week, I was pointing out to someone that, even as a fat kid, I thought nothing of joining other skinny neighborhood kids on long bike rides. By long, in that late '70s era a long trip was defined in miles or hours, like the distance from Cape Elizabeth to Saco. These trips were made on old one-speeds, not the glorious multi-speed lightweight models of today. Bring back those old heavy clunker steel frame bikes. If you get hit by a Lexus, you’ll at least have the happiness of knowing you’ve screwed up the other guys front end, and HE hit a pedestrian. We don’t need insurance.

In the end, maybe that is the change of attitude that we need to adopt, and worry less about the calorie count. I still want to see both of these guys out leading runs, as it will be good practice for when they try to get these bills through the legislature. Torches and Pitchforks do have a way of quickening the step.

 (Bob Higgins is a regular contributor to The Portland Daily Sun.)